I walk into the bathroom, and I sit down to, you know…do my thing. As I’m intermittently relaxing I notice something out of place. Right next to the toilet paper dispenser is a small metal trash can, bolted to the wall. My years of time working in restaurants has taught me that this is a special receptacle for …ahem… feminine napkins.
My mind begins to race. I begin to play back in my head my entering the bathroom. No, I didn’t pass anyone. No, I can’t confirm that I saw a picture of a human without a triangular bulge at its waist. No, I don’t recall seeing a urinal. Oh crap… things were clean.
But I quickly calm myself down. This is a decent restaurant, they probably just keep up on the custodial duties. And the little trash can, well…they remodeled this place a year or so ago…they probably just switched the bathrooms and chose to leave the can on the wall rather than pull it down. Yeah, that’s it.
Then, of course, the door opens.
I listen for footsteps, seeing if they can lend a hand in identifying the gender of this room’s standard occupants. They’re soft. Tennis shoes. All women wear heels, so now I know I’m safe. I continue to listen, just in case, and hear the reassuring sound of one liquid splashing into a bowl of another liquid, as is from a height of a foot or so. So, obviously, this is a man standing at a toilet, peeing. I didn’t hear the toilet seat being put up, so now I know it’s a man. Then, as if God wanted to say to me “Rest easy my precious one” the person lets one rip. The reverberant flatulence settles in my ears like a snuggie of “You’re in the clear.”
Now confident, I finish up, flush, walk out of the stall and go to the sink to wash my hands. (So now that guy probably thinks he’s in the ladies room.) I dry off my hands, and walk out. Just so I can say to myself “See, you’re so silly Tony.” I look back to confirm I was in the men’s room. But before I can even turn around, I notice a door opposite me, with a small sign next to it that reads “Men.”
So that’s my story on how I got away with pooping in the ladies room.