home fore the holidays

sitting at home alone on halloween is surprisingly depressing. well, maybe depressing isn’t the right word. i’ve come to accept that this is the way my life is, so it’s not quite so depressing.
i don’t think i’ve ever understood what it means to be lonely up until these last few months. for several years i was stressed and upset about my schooling, always feeling like i was doing nothing and getting nowhere. i said it best in a letter to a friend, “i feel like i’m grinding an axe that no one needs, and it never gets sharper.” i use to assure myself that when i got on my way and on to full sail that i’d finally be happy, learning things i want to learn and starting to get on with my life. i never thought about being in orlando alone.
i’m not actually alone. i have a roommate, of whom i’ve posted about on this site a few times. we started out pretty friendly until we pissed each other off a few too many times with our lack of consistent cleanliness. my fiance tells me how depressing it is to see two people just co-existing ten feet away from each other.
i also have friends at school. a lab group of some really phenomenal guys that i will not regret networking with in my future. i actually just left a party that one of my lab mates was having. but it’s tough to have friends that you can’t really connect with. most of our time spent together consists of all of us picking on one of the other group members. this is all fun and good, Lord knows i appreciate a good ribbing every once and a while, but not being able to connect with anyone really takes it’s toll on you. i enjoy their company, but not being able to relate to someone on a spiritual level really sets a wall up. maybe i’m just tired of the occasional prod about my beliefs, not that i don’t prod the Christian culture myself, or maybe it’s just that when they do make some anti-God point, i’m tired of the fact that i have nothing to say back. i know a million answers, but when you’re distant from God, you’re not so motivated to fight for Him.
so i sit here alone in my apartment, grilling chicken on my george foreman grill, and heating up corn on the stove, soon to watch solaris, and being so laden with loneliness i can’t begin to describe it.