It would appear I have made a monster.

Over the past couple of years Tree has yelled at me a few times about how I tell Noah to clean himself while he eats. I simply try and help him from spreading his mess any further than it needs to be. If he gets spaghetti sauce on his hands, you might as well have him wipe it off, lest he wipe it all over his face, shirt, table, etc. Nothing wrong with not making a huge mess every time you eat. Only a crazy person would take this little bit of guidance and turn it into a personal mantra.

Well, leave it to my son to blow things out of proportion.

It’s come to the point where he’ll throw a fit if he gets things on his hands. The first time it snowed this winter we played outside until he tripped and landed hand first in snow. He burst into tears about his hands being wet. “Clean it off!” he cried.

Today he and I took a walk through our neighborhood to investigate a small patch of woods. We walked about 3/4 of a mile (which is 10 miles in toddler units) to a little wooded area between two subdivisions. On the way there he talked about how he was going to find dinosaur skeletons. He was very excited. Then he saw the woods. “Those woods dirty daddy.”

I managed to get him about 15 feet in before he made us turn around due to his concerns about getting his shoes dirty. I’m not making that up. He refused to go any further.

Tonight as I put him to bed, we talked about our day, and when I asked him if he enjoyed our walk, his only comment was about the woods being too dirty. “Someone should make the woods clean daddy.” Again, this is a direct quote. I have to get him out of this mindset, cause all my hopes and dreams of exploring the woods and camping with my son could easily be destroyed if he’s a neat freak.

If only his dirt phobia could be molded to get him to pick up his LEGO…

Speaking of going to sleep, my son has figured out each and every method he can use to delay his loosing consciousness. It used to be “I’m scared.” but that doesn’t work very well any more. He still uses it no doubt, but we brush it off pretty quickly now. So he’s expanded his repertoire to included “I don’t like my pajamas” to “the tags are scratchy” and he’s even learned to utilize his toilet training to delay sleep. He knows we can’t just ignore a “I need to go to the potty” so he uses it to get out of bed. I swear, this kid is either going to use his manipulation skills for good and become a hostage negotiator, or he’s going to be the leader of a huge cult. Hey, Tom Cruise has to step down at some point right? (Bazing! Scientology joke! Let’s see if I get sued!)

I guess it’s a good thing we’re having another one. Maybe we can raise that one right. I mean, if you look at my family you can see that my parents didn’t get it right the first time. My oldest sister is insane, but by the time they got to me, they spat out a well rounded, funny, good looking super human.

Also, I’m super humble. Like, the most humble guy ever.

posted on 03.06.10 @ 8:18pm
tags:exploration, libel, ocd, parenthood
3 Comments »

Short version: uneventful.

Long Version: Went to work this morning. This, in and of itself, is an unexpected success.

After I posted yesterday I went off to play card games with some friends. By “card games” I don’t mean Hearts or Spades. I mean, Yetisburg. A fighting card game based on the civil war. With Yetis. There was a steep learning curve and we just barely finished one game when more people showed up and we decided to eat and watch MST3K. Then I went home.

Once home I straightened up the house a little more and sat to watch The Strangers. I got about 15 minutes in, and decided watching scary movies late at night was not a good idea. Not that I’d get too scared, but more that I’d fall asleep, and no one wants to wake up to people in creepy hoods murdering people. That’s no fun at all.

And now back around to this morning. I tried something new today. I shaved using my face soap, rather than shave cream, and found it to be surprisingly nice. When you only shave once a week, it takes almost 7 times longer to perfect the art. Imagine if you will that I am a 17 year old boy just getting the hang of not bleeding out by the end of each shaving session. Also, the bald spot I accidentally shaved into my goatee has finally filled back in. That was an embarrassing three and a half months.

Anyway, work was work. I’ll appreciate the lack of privacy on the internet and leave it at that.

Got off work late and went back to Juan’s to once again battle the North with my powerful yetis. Finally getting the swing of things we played through a couple games with an even win/loss record. It’s always good to end that way, lest there be slap fights.

I retired early to head home and spray paint air vents, so I can finally cover the two gaping holes in the living room wall. My plan to use the rest of the can to coat a 4′ x 4′ piece of plywood was shortsighted to say the least.

And that leads us right back to hear. I sign off right as Lily Allen’s “Smile (Mark Ronson Version)” which makes me want to get up and clean like a montage in a girly 80’s movie. Slightly sped up goofy scrubbing/dance sequence to follow.

Good night and good luck.

posted on 02.08.10 @ 11:29pm
tags:cleaning, games, home repair, shaving
No Comments »

This morning Teresa and Noah left to go down to Florida to see our new nephew, Bennett Gray. These visits happen maybe twice a year, leaving me up here by myself. In the past it’s resulted in songs (oddly enough that was the same time last year…weird). This time that may or may not happen. But I can tell you what’s happened thus far today.

As soon as Teresa pulled out of the driveway I came back in the house and turned on Pandora to blare loud metal in the likeness of The Faceless. I then sat around for a few moments trying to figure out what to do with myself.

First thing’s first, I need food. It’s Sunday, which means there’s little to eat in the house. So I take off to Kroger and buy a bunch of food I shouldn’t eat. Teresa, I’m gonna put the parts you shouldn’t read in italics (she’s can’t think about food with that baby in her) Here it goes: I bought nacho makings, refried beans and chips and such. I bought Hamburger Helper Cheesy Enchilada with the intention of making it, and then eating it in burritos for the following several meals. I got oreos because I’m weak, but I justify it by considering that it will get me to drink more milk. I just realized that the ice cream I got is ALSO Oreo. This is gonna turn out great. Just to cap it all off, I got Hormel Chili and a bag of Fritos to make some sort of awful elementary lunchroom punishment food. I bought all this because I know that if Teresa was here I’d feel guilty about eating like a college kid. But with her gone I can eat anything without repercussions. (Only part of that statement is not false.)

Once I was all fueled up on left-over baked ziti I decided to do something active. I always complain about never getting to ride my bike recreationally, so I figured I should do that. Unfortunately it’s been raining, so the off-road trails were out of the question (See? I’ll always find something to complain about) so I decided to try a good long road ride. (Long in my book is 20 miles) I was sick of my area, so I looked up some routes in the Roswell area and decided to try the Roswell Mayor’s 20 Mile route. Put together a little cue sheet (yes, that’s my bike INDOORS. I can do anything when Tree’s gone.) and set out on the road. My only comment is that the Roswell Mayor must love to climb hills. Jerk.

After that I decided nothing would be better than to go to Smokejacks and eat fried pickles and their sliced pork sandwich. I drove about 5 miles out of my way only to find out they were closed for some weird religious holiday called “Super Bowl.” I guess it’s like a feast of the saints for Catholics or something. Dumb reason to be closed either way. I want my fried pickles.

So, dejected I went to find the next best thing, Taco Bell. Again, keeping the whole college kid theme going as far as nourishment goes. I downed two half pound burritos and a Mountain Dew. Then I hopped on a snow board and did a gnarly double pits to chesty.

Came back to the humble abode, blared some more technical death metal and did the dishes (BODACIOUS). Now as I type this I’m text messaging with my friend (like a cool college kid) figuring out what we’re going to do tonight. Looks like board games and dorkiness. I’M ALL IN. We even discussed settling a monetary debt by providing root beer. This night is gonna be perfect.

Week without the wife day one has thus far been a success. We’ll see how the rest pans out, and I’ll check in tomorrow to let you know if my heart has stopped.

SEACREST OUT.

posted on 02.07.10 @ 6:58pm
tags:cycling, food, music, travel
3 Comments »

As a 27 year old, employed, married, father of one (soon to be two) I find my free time to be very limiting. Not limited, but limiting. I DO have several hours to myself each day, however they only come late at night, in a house with two other people in it, one of whom is a terror when they’re woken up. And Noah can be pretty bad too.

These hours tend to mostly be spent sitting at my computer. Occasionally I’ll work on some music, quietly strumming my electric guitar, amplified to mega-metal volumes in my headphones. I’ll avoid my drums, because even thought their electric too, the “thwack thwack” of my sticks hitting the pads is enough to bother “the others.” (LOST reference FTW.) This is why I never finish any songs. The drums get put off until people are conscious, and when the rest of the house is conscious, I have things to do besides drumming.

Volume issues aside, the bigger problem with these free hours is their place in the day. Being so late at night, it’s kinda pointless to try and go out and do something, as by the time you get where you’re going, it’s practically the next day. And while I can manage just fine with only 6 hours a sleep, I still need those 6.

So my social life is extremely limited. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that Tree works Fridays and Saturdays, leaving me alone with the boy on Saturdays, and our only day to do something as a family on Sundays. I imagine most people in my situation manage to get some free time on Saturdays to hang out with friends or pursue hobbies. They probably have unlimited IBC root beer in their fridges too. And they ride unicorns to work.

So what’s a guy to do? I grew up a social butterfly. Just ask anyone I went to school with. A combination of loving to make people laugh and ADD made my high school lunch period into a giant pinball game, be bouncing from one group of people to the next, looking for another giggle fix. Wow, that got kinda dark.

So alas, my last bastion of social interaction is the internet. You know those trolls who comment on various blogs and forums etc. with the cliche “Why don’t you get a REAL social life?” every time someone mentions social networking sites? Yeah, to those people I say, “If only I could!” My responsibilities prevent me from having time to go out with friends often, so I’m left to live vicariously through photo albums and status updates. I’ll stare at Facebook for way too long multiple times a day. I’ll read through the entire live feed, and then refresh to see if anyone has done anything new. There are days where I’ll complain to myself that no one is doing anything interesting. And by “not doing anything” I mean “not posting it to Facebook.”

I’m not writing this to whine or drum up sympathy. But maybe by reading this you’ll realize that you too have spent to much time online, reading what other people are doing. Maybe you’ll stand up from your chair, call up that friend you haven’t talked to in a while, and make some plans for a wild night on the town. Maybe you’ll see parts of your city you’ve never seen before and meet interesting people outside your social circle. Maybe you’ll try a food you’ve never eaten before. Maybe you’ll have the confidence to overcome a personal fear. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll find the love of your life, your new best friend, a new business partner, the possibilities are truly endless!

All I ask is that you document it well via Facebook so I have something to do tonight.

posted on 02.03.10 @ 2:40pm

2 Comments »